and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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