All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
