Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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