My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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