you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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