I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
