The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
