haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
