ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
