They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Success! We fucked roommates!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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