im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
