Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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