just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
