the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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