those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
