i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm getting married
To pizza
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
