that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
