i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
