I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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