Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
