you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
