i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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