I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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