I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
