There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
