Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
