Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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