The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
