Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
