Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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