I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
