I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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