textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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