Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
