So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
