Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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