2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
