Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
