Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Shame - the story of my life.
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