Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
