She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
