I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
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Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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