Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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