I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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