My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
