just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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