I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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