you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Everything about him screamed your future.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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