just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
