Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
someone owes me an orgasm
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
