Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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