I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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